


Will I see you again?

by Foxfiresystem



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Absent Parents, Abused Deceit | Janus Sanders, Abusive Relationships, BDSM, BDSM relationships, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gay Disaster Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Gay Disaster Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Gay Disaster Deceit | Janus Sanders, Gay Panic, Graphic Description, HEALTHY poly relationship, Heavy BDSM, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Mentions of Death, Multi, Past Abuse, Polyamorous Character, Polyamorous Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, author needs better copes, mentions of BDSM, past poly relationship, twenty four seven bdsm relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27094792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foxfiresystem/pseuds/Foxfiresystem
Summary: Janus is fighting for his life, day after day, trying to stay alive for his partners. What would happen if he just up and gave up on everything? What if he gave in to the depression that was taking over his life?
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	1. Janus chapter teaser

**Author's Note:**

> I do not really expect this project to take off in the slightest compared to my other projects. I needed something to keep me going. As I wait for college and medical results. I have noticed that I need to go to therapy again, as I have gotten to this point again, the point of needing to vent in this way again.

It was a late fall evening, one that Janus would rather be cuddling asleep with his prince and stormcloud. He couldn't bring himself to wake either of them up to ask for cuddles. Not when he knew sure as hell that his feeding tube pump would go off at a god awful hour of the night. The snake couldn't put them through that again not after last time. The last time they cuddled, Janus woke Ro and V up while he was trying to shut off his feeding tube pump.  
Janus didn't want to think about that night. He already felt guilty for putting his partners through the hell of him being sick. He wanted the best for them and at the end of the day, he didn't want to know that they would end up spending their lives taking care of him. He wanted to know they would be better off without him. He believed that everyone would be better off without him and he just wanted to either get better or be six feet under the ground. That is where he would end up sooner rather than later in his eyes.  
Janus never thought he would find love or even know what real love would be. In his eyes, he was an unloveable monster someone only kept around because he was an easy fuck.  
He knew deep down that his partners loved him regardless of if he was healthy, I mean he is engaged to his stormcloud and collared by his prince, but he would never share the second part of his relationship with anyone. He wanted to act like this big bad emerald tree boa like he was tough and could handle himself. He could but he didn't always want to take care of himself.


	2. Janus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What would you expect from a traumatized snake? Besides being more reactive than normal and being scared?

One cold, late fall evening, Janus would rather be asleep cuddling his partners. He would rather be in the arms of his doms safe than being alone on the couch at the god awful hour of the night. The snake couldn't bring himself to wake either of them up, even to ask for cuddles. He feared his feeding tube pump would go off in the middle of the night, yet again, waking his partners up. He could not do that to them, again, ever again, in fear of being hurt. He was never hurt by his current partners, but he never wanted to risk it, not after his last relationship.

A relationship that still plagues him to this day. He didn't want to think about that relationship nor the night he woke his partners up because the stupid pump went off. He already felt guilty for putting his partners through the hell of him being sick. He wanted the best for them, and at the end of the day, he didn't want to know that they would end up spending their lives taking care of him. He wanted to know they would be better off without him. He believed that everyone would be better, without him. He just wanted to either get better or be six feet under the ground. That’s where he would end up, sooner rather than later in his eyes, under the ground and out of everyone’s way.

Janus never thought he would find love or even know what real love would be. In his eyes, he was an unloveable monster someone only kept around because he was an easy fuck. That was the only thing he knew. Before getting into this newfound safety, even if the relationship was years ago, it still left its fair share of scars. Mentally, physically and emotionally he was covered in the scars. He never knew what a healthy relationship was before this. He never really had the best role models in his life. 

His mother left when he was younger, and he does not have contact with her anymore or want contact with her. His father was never around, and sometimes he wishes his father was in his life. In his eyes, if he had a dad around while growing up he wouldn’t have been taken advantage of as a young boy.

He knew deep down, his partners loved him, regardless if he was healthy or not. I mean he is engaged to his stormcloud and collared by his prince. He would never share the second part of his relationships with anyone, not while he was this vulnerable at least.

He wanted to act like this big bad emerald tree boa as if he was tough and could handle himself. He could somewhat take care of himself, but he didn't always want to. Some days he could hardly stand without getting smacked in the face with nausea. Even if he could hardly eat by mouth, his stomach always seemed to protest against any nutrition. Which was most likely his body saying fuck you after years of suffering from an eating disorder and not getting treatment for it. Nobody would have believed him anyway, they never did in the first place.


	3. Being involved in bdsm with trauma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the second actual chapter of this project, this not only talks about my personal experience from traumatic events but also from a point where I can be creative and free finally. Most of these chapters will be written from Janus's point of view as this tells what he is going through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the notes at the end of the chapter to hear information from the writer.

> _"What do you mean this is not normal?"_
> 
> * * *

That was the first thing out of my mouth to my partners the day I opened up about my trauma. I got dragged into a BDSM relationship at the age of 13 years old by my at the time adult partner, my family met this adult twice in our home. They trusted him but did not know the trauma he inflicted on me. I was groomed by a man that said he would marry me, we would have kids, and be a happy little family. That never happened. I had over 100 rules set by this man so entering a long-term BDSM relationship never was a goal in life. I never thought it would happen. I never thought I would ever be sexual with anyone and here we are, I'm in two d/s relationships with my lovely doms. I never thought this would be my outcome in life. Wanting to live and having something to live for. I was given rules and a set of rewards to help me to get this far. I want to share them with you.

* * *

Disclaimer: These are not my actual rules as I am not in a BDSM relationship nor do I want to be in one. please note some of these are sexual due to Janus being in a 24/7 dynamic with Roman. 

* * *

_Janus's Rules_

_written by: Roman and Virgil_

  1. _Love yourself, Be yourself. If something doesn't feel right let us know._
  2. _Must take meds at set times during the day. We need you healthy and happy._
  3. _If you want to go out with friends let us know who, where you are going, and when you will be returning. we worry about your safety and want our handsome snake happy._
  4. _If given a list of chores the is expected to be done by the time we return home, the only time this can be overturned is if you medically can not handle chores that day._
  5. _Go over your safeword with us before every scene as a reminder not only to us but to you as well. Your safety and comfort are our main concerns._
  6. _You will wear your collar with pride. It's our way of showing you are off the market and are ours._
  7. _You will not lie to us. Honesty is the best policy and we pride ourselves on being open with each other._
  8. _If you are going to a kink event with us you will be by our side and will not answer to any other dom. That is our job, you are ours, not theirs, you do not need to worry how they view you as a person._
  9. _Must maintain personal hygiene. Mental health and medical issues may be hard but you still need to take care of yourself. If you need help with this ask us._
  10. _Remind yourself you are ours, every inch of you._
  11. _Ask before trying to please yourself in a sexual manner. If you are told no, you will wait until we are ready to please you._
  12. __Take care of yourself and love yourself. You are a handsome snake and you will be reminded of this on a daily.__



* * *

These rules give me a healthy constant in my life and make me feel loved. These are not all of them but what I feel okay with sharing as this is my life I will share more when I feel ready or when my doms say I can.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I started writing this chapter at 12 am and I'm currently writing my own rules for myself because I want to take control of my life and make myself a good person. I mean with the state of the world I might as well have control of my life. I finally got myself into a new dr to get meds changed and I am restarting meds tonight which is going to be amazing I finally am out of the trial period of my new meds and can keep on them as well as start my current meds back up. I haven't felt this good about being alive in a while and thought tonight would be a great time to write as well as get stuff set up for uni. I can officially say I go to my dream school in spring 2021 and got into the program I applied for. None of this feels real and it is kinda a shocking thing. Here is to a good 2021. 
> 
> Please note this will be one of my last uploads for 2020 due to covid, personal life, and uni testing. That being said thank you for the love and support I have been getting.

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the teaser chapter as this project starts growing. I will mention that this project will have semi-graphic descriptions of sex and bdsm as that is one of my major copes right now. I am aware that it is not healthy but at the end of the day, I'm safe and being respected. - fox


End file.
